About: My Poem “Purity”

I decided that whenever I post a poem here on my blog that I’ll write a follow-up post the next day. This’ll be so I can talk a bit about the poem itself, why I wrote it, inspiration, and all that. I don’t think I’ll post poems all that often (most of the stuff I’ve been writing is garbage, or I’m not really comfortable sharing it), maybe once or twice a month depending on how well writing has been going.

So, this is about Purity.

Purity is one of the first poems I wrote this year. It came to me after my second Poetry writing class, sometime in the first couple days I started practising poetry for the upcoming assignment, as I had no idea what I was doing. Poetry was never really my thing, see. Usually, poems take me multiple sittings to sort out– I write a bunch of lines, I think it’s garbage, then I come back and sort through it to find the relevant stuff, putting the rest aside for later.However, Purity was an exception to that ritual. The poem came to me in one sitting, almost perfect.

However, Purity was an exception to that ritual. The poem came to me in one sitting, almost perfect. Well, I mean, the poem is far from perfect, but it’s served its purpose, and I don’t desire to edit it further or alter it in any way. It captures exactly what I want it to, as I needed it when I wrote it, and as I need it now. When I wrote it, of course, I made a couple alterations, but that was just switching a couple words around here and there to make it sound better or to get the meaning right.

Overall, the writing process for this one was simple because of all that. So maybe if I ever post one of the harder poems I write some day here on my blog, I’ll talk a bit more about the detailed process of how I write them.

The meaning behind this poem and the inspiration for it go hand in hand. While I had no visual inspiration (such as a picture or what-have-you), I used a couple events that occurred around that time to build the story behind it. Actually, you could say that I wrote the poem to help cope with and better understand what was going on.Essentially, the poem is

Essentially, the poem is about a dear friend of mine, someone who has gone through a lot of shit and has a lot of shit in their future just because of how their life is set up. It’s an unfortunate situation overall. But because of how much I care about this person, I wanted to be there to help them through it all, to steer them away from the path of destruction they’d set themselves on, and in general just protect them from the demons of the world. Unfortunately, people usually only accept help when they’re ready, and my friend wasn’t ready, so they felt like I was imposing on them. I was devastated when our friendship fell apart. In the end, I think it was mostly my fault, but I’ve accepted that, and have a better idea of what to do to prevent this from happening again in the future.

I struggled a lot with whether or not I should give up on this friend, or stick around and be supportive in the background so I could be there if they ever needed me, even if it proved to be an emotional burden. It came down to whether or not I was able to stop caring, which I so far haven’t been able or even wanted to. I’m also too afraid that if I step away completely, I won’t be there if something bad happens. And even if it’s paranoid to think like that, nothing so devastatingly wrong has happened that this friendship can’t be repaired somehow if I just stick around.

So Purity ended up being my acceptance of the situation. The first half is my acknowledgement of the good, and the bad in my friend (lines 1-4), while the last half of the poem (lines 5-8) is about my decision to be there for them, even if it ultimately means that we can’t be friends anymore. There’s obviously more to it than that, but this is the simplest explanation of how the poem came to be and my interpretation of it. Everyone, of course, is welcome to interpret it as they like. In fact, if anyone has a different interpretation, I’d love to hear it!

Here’s the poem again, for reference:

Purity

Within you rests a sanctuary,

not for the broken or the free

but for the demons you harbour

in your heart.

Silence would kill most

and when I want to think

I’m one of them

I decide to ride it out together

even if our ends are far apart.

~Erynn

 

 

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When Your Emotions Stop Working

Hey guys.

I’ve found that I go through periods of apathy, but I guess that makes sense because apathy is often a symptom of depression. But I never really noticed it, and I’ve only recently taken note of it because a friend of mine said they don’t enjoy being around me when I’m like that.

I mean, I get it. When someone doesn’t really feel anything, has no interests, and is enthusiastic about nothing, they’re no fun to be around. And while I’m ultimately thankful that my friend brought this to my attention, it still hurts to hear, you know? It makes me wonder how many other people I’ve scared away because my emotions disappear and I don’t even notice.

It’s kinda different now, though. Shortly after I was told that I went and had my medication changed, and though it’s only been a couple weeks, I can definitely feel the difference. It’s been a while since I’ve been motivated to do something other than sleep and half-watch something on TV. Even video games, something I’ve always loved and that has helped me through depression in the past, lost its appeal for a while. The last couple days, though, I’ve had the motivation to write, to play games, to go outside (even though I haven’t) and stuff like that. Heck, I’ve even figured out how to set up a stream so people can watch me play games and talk shit about noobs if for some reason they want to.

But today is a special day.

I went to bed early last night, I believe around 8 pm. Cried myself to sleep, actually. Maybe that’s not something I should admit to on my blog because I know some of my family reads this and I don’t want to deal with a barrage of “are you okay?!1?/!”s from everyone and their mother, but I feel like if I’m going to write this post, I may as well be completely honest.

Well, that’s not true. I’m most definitely not mentioning the reason why I cried myself to sleep because if Erynn is afraid of anything, she’s afraid of being judged for something she can’t control.

Anyway.

So I went to bed at 8 pm, took some zzzquil, proceeded to cry myself to sleep. Much to my dismay, I woke up at midnight. Super shitty. But I accepted it and got up, and as I went to my computer it was like with each step I took, I felt less and less. It was an unusual experience because the last few weeks I’ve been full of emotion, mostly good, happy ones, and now I feel nothing. For the first time I’m aware that I don’t feel anything, but because I feel nothing, I don’t really care to do anything about it. At the same time, though, today is a shitty day, and considering I can’t feel fuck all, I’m as glad as I can be while not feeling anything that I can’t feel anything. If that makes any sense.

Shrug. I’m wondering how long it will last. A couple days? A couple weeks? A couple months? I guess we’ll find out. I’ve got an inkling that it’ll be a month or so, but honestly? Even now, while I don’t feel anything, I hope it doesn’t last that long. I’ve just kinda started to get my life back on track, and it kinda sucks to run into a roadblock like this– one that I have little control over.

I’ve had a couple hours to sit around and think and do nothing now, and I’ve come to realize that my apathy now is in fact not a symptom of depression. Maybe it’s a bit far-fetched, perhaps it’s completely logical, I don’t know. But I think that maybe, in some cases– like this one– apathy is like a… a… self-defense mechanism set to activate after certain types of emotional trauma. I mean that makes sense, right? There are lots of people who are given bad news– like the death of a family member, for example– and through the shock or whatever, they feel nothing in that current moment. It isn’t until later, sometimes days or just hours, that they break down and feel everything all at once. I know that I’m usually like this, so I think it makes sense for what’s happening now.

Today isn’t really anywhere near the equivalence of someone I care about dying, but I don’t know, I guess in a way it feels like someone has. Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to talk about these things out in the open, but I’ve probably done plenty already to make myself look like an idiot, and I don’t feel like doing anything to help people further that assumption.

I think I’m gonna end this post here because I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this anymore… and.. yeah. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far, I guess?

~Erynn

 

Writing Buddies

So, I don’t really know anyone whose too interested in writing, let alone writing fiction, or even fantasy fiction. I guess I know a couple writers… although every single one of them is online. And, to make matters worse, every single one of them I’ve met through work.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I suck at making friends. I’m not very social. I struggle to maintain the friendships that I DO have; I’m not really looking forward to creating more that I can’t handle. Because, you know, when you grow to like someone, it kind of sucks to watch them disappear before your eyes because you don’t know what to say to them any more.

Regardless, I’m not here to talk about my friendship failures today. Instead, I’m here to talk about how disappointed I am in the fact that I don’t have anyone who is as enthusiastic about the written word as I am.

Obviously it’s not the end of the world. Things will change over time, and there’s always the opportunity to find people who are interested in the same things as I am. So here I am, trying to find someone who likes writing and wants to chat.

Are you a writer? Do you want to talk about writing stuff? Your book? My book? Other books? About how writing works? Want to discuss style, characterization, plot creation? To rant about whatever the writing world has cursed you with today or will in the future? Then you’ve come to the right place! If you just want to talk one time and never again, so be it! If you want to be one of those people who message me every time you fart, so be it! I want to speak to you all, everyone who loves writing and wants to talk about it.

Feel free to add me on skype: tabeteiru

Or send me an email: kisshuquiche@gmail.com

Looking forward to hearing from you!

~Erynn

California Adventure

Hi everyone!

Last week I mentioned that I was leaving to California for a bit of a vacation. I’m currently half way through my expedition into America, and I have to say things haven’t gone quite as I expected them to.

Expected being horribly wrong. You may recall my experiences on my road trip to the Yukon- terrible. I’m somewhat pleased to say that nothing has gone sour yet. Saying that, hopefully I haven’t jinxed myself into a horrible death a couple days from now… or today. I’m going to a theme park pretty soon here, and I’m not going to count a gruesome end on one of the rides (or the way there!) out of the equation. Gotta be ready for everything, right?

Speaking of being ready for everything, that’s totally what I DIDN’T do for this trip. Sure nothing has gone completely out of hand… but I was hoping to still get a fair chunk of writing done before returning home. Not just work writing… my own writing, as it is NaNoWriMo right now and I said I’d finish that second draft by the end of the year! For the original draft I wrote it all in Google Docs, but once I picked up Scrivener last year, I started using that for most of my new projects. Since I considered rewriting the second draft a “new” project, I decided to do it on Scrivener. Unfortunately… this is my first trip somewhere without my laptop. I’m using my boyfriend’s new spiffy gaming laptop because he’s awesome and said I should be able to play games if I wanted while I’m gone (so kind :D).

Sooo… what that means for me is that my Scrivener save files are on my other computers… and not this one. Sure it’s all in dropbox and hence also available for me to access online, but using another computer means I’d need to re download everything, get the files, and then transfer the new files to my computer once I’m back home. Sure it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I’ve been feeling so lazy over the past week that it’s pretty much been added to the list of “Things I’m Never Going to Do to Be More Productive”. Thankfully that’s not actually a long list, but I still find it amusing that I have one in the first place.

One last thing. I think I’ve made up my mind! When I get back from California, I’m going to hop into NaNo and get a writin’. Nothing wrong with starting 16 days late!

That’s all for now; see you all next week!

~Erynn