I’ve found that I go through periods of apathy, but I guess that makes sense because apathy is often a symptom of depression. But I never really noticed it, and I’ve only recently taken note of it because a friend of mine said they don’t enjoy being around me when I’m like that.
I mean, I get it. When someone doesn’t really feel anything, has no interests, and is enthusiastic about nothing, they’re no fun to be around. And while I’m ultimately thankful that my friend brought this to my attention, it still hurts to hear, you know? It makes me wonder how many other people I’ve scared away because my emotions disappear and I don’t even notice.
It’s kinda different now, though. Shortly after I was told that I went and had my medication changed, and though it’s only been a couple weeks, I can definitely feel the difference. It’s been a while since I’ve been motivated to do something other than sleep and half-watch something on TV. Even video games, something I’ve always loved and that has helped me through depression in the past, lost its appeal for a while. The last couple days, though, I’ve had the motivation to write, to play games, to go outside (even though I haven’t) and stuff like that. Heck, I’ve even figured out how to set up a stream so people can watch me play games and talk shit about noobs if for some reason they want to.
But today is a special day.
I went to bed early last night, I believe around 8 pm. Cried myself to sleep, actually. Maybe that’s not something I should admit to on my blog because I know some of my family reads this and I don’t want to deal with a barrage of “are you okay?!1?/!”s from everyone and their mother, but I feel like if I’m going to write this post, I may as well be completely honest.
Well, that’s not true. I’m most definitely not mentioning the reason why I cried myself to sleep because if Erynn is afraid of anything, she’s afraid of being judged for something she can’t control.
So I went to bed at 8 pm, took some zzzquil, proceeded to cry myself to sleep. Much to my dismay, I woke up at midnight. Super shitty. But I accepted it and got up, and as I went to my computer it was like with each step I took, I felt less and less. It was an unusual experience because the last few weeks I’ve been full of emotion, mostly good, happy ones, and now I feel nothing. For the first time I’m aware that I don’t feel anything, but because I feel nothing, I don’t really care to do anything about it. At the same time, though, today is a shitty day, and considering I can’t feel fuck all, I’m as glad as I can be while not feeling anything that I can’t feel anything. If that makes any sense.
Shrug. I’m wondering how long it will last. A couple days? A couple weeks? A couple months? I guess we’ll find out. I’ve got an inkling that it’ll be a month or so, but honestly? Even now, while I don’t feel anything, I hope it doesn’t last that long. I’ve just kinda started to get my life back on track, and it kinda sucks to run into a roadblock like this– one that I have little control over.
I’ve had a couple hours to sit around and think and do nothing now, and I’ve come to realize that my apathy now is in fact not a symptom of depression. Maybe it’s a bit far-fetched, perhaps it’s completely logical, I don’t know. But I think that maybe, in some cases– like this one– apathy is like a… a… self-defense mechanism set to activate after certain types of emotional trauma. I mean that makes sense, right? There are lots of people who are given bad news– like the death of a family member, for example– and through the shock or whatever, they feel nothing in that current moment. It isn’t until later, sometimes days or just hours, that they break down and feel everything all at once. I know that I’m usually like this, so I think it makes sense for what’s happening now.
Today isn’t really anywhere near the equivalence of someone I care about dying, but I don’t know, I guess in a way it feels like someone has. Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to talk about these things out in the open, but I’ve probably done plenty already to make myself look like an idiot, and I don’t feel like doing anything to help people further that assumption.
I think I’m gonna end this post here because I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this anymore… and.. yeah. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far, I guess?