It’s been a while since my last post, though not for lack of trying. I’ve written thousands of words for “future” blog posts that have just been shoved into the depths of the Cloud and will never see the light of day.
I was actually going to write about the why, except the why was affecting the post I wanted to write. So, I ended up using a nifty trick I learned at university to jump over that wall– which was to schoolify it. That basically means I’ve turned the topic into one of my assignments, and since I’m very strict about getting my homework done no matter what, it’ll get written.
That just means not very many people who actually read this blog will ever see it.
But, well, that really depends on the grade I get. If I score high, I’ll probably keep it to myself, stored away for only a couple lucky peoples’ reading pleasure. If I don’t, I might edit it and post it here for the hell of it. So I guess we’ll see what happens. (Funny how the why is what determines whether or not anyone will ever read about the why.)
Anyway, so what am I actually going to write about right now, then? That’s a good question. I’ve set out to write a blog post because I’ve been asked a couple times to start posting again and have always said that I would, but, of course, never have. I thought it might be a good time to get back into the habit of it.
Getting back into the habit of writing… Sigh, sometimes it can be hard. I’m pretty proud of the fact that I don’t let this so-called “writers’ block” keep me from writing, but even if I’m able to write even when I don’t have anything to write about… Well, to say the least, there are other things that keep me from letting out my ideas. Stress is a big one. The why is another. The to-do list that always includes writing but is always so long that writing is put at the bottom and never reached is another.
To-Do Lists. Maybe that’s what I’ll write about.
Or maybe the neverendingness of them. Some things need to be done by certain hours or days, some things the “deadlines can be extended” into the ever-so-popular oh, that can just be done tomorrow, I’ve already done so much today or the well that didn’t really need to get done anyway. But everything needs to get done. What are seconds of the day for, if not for getting something that needs to be done, done?
Truth be told, I’m exhausted
of the twenty things on the list with three that don’t get done by the end of the day. Exhausted from the resulting, overwhelming sense of failure that always comes because I couldn’t find the time to sweep the kitchen floor or go to the gym or start on the notes for that paper due in twelve days, the one that I Have To Get An ‘A’ On Or My Life Will Be Over.
Truth be told, I’m exhausted
of the twenty things to do each day. Eleven slots designated for homework and studying, three for the guild (don’t get me started on the guild); three for around-the-house chores that tend to always get done (because I need a break from studying and doing homework or I will scream and pull out my hair); two for writing (that almost never get done, unless I force myself to do them first and live with the all-nighter that comes from not getting my homework done by 10pm); and one for myself, which is always the first thing I look at and the last to be remembered because I can’t afford time for myself.
Truth be told, on Monday I took a day for myself. And it felt great.
The weekend was stressful. Tension with friends, too many deadlines, The Coming End Of (My) World, homework, work-work that doesn’t get done, the broken to-do lists, journals, essays, videogames that feel more like homework than fun, my attempts at cooking, the cross-hairs that appear over my cat’s heads after they break something that I needed in order to survive another week at school.
Now that I think of it, I didn’t really do anything on Monday. I went to the gym in the morning because that makes it easier to get through the day. But I skipped class (I told my profs I was stressed and they told me to take the day off), I didn’t do any homework for Tuesday, which I am regretting now that it is Tuesday and I have no time and too much homework; I didn’t really write or read or do anything important. I just had a really good nap. But you know, it was still great. It was great to not feel obligated to do something with my time.
Well, that’s a lie. I did feel obligated to do something with my time, because I always do, and it’s nigh impossible to just “forget” that for one day. If you’re going to forget to do something on purpose, I say you need a few days to actually accomplish that process of forgetting.
And I think sometimes it’s good to take a couple days to forget about your responsibilities and just be you for a while. Maybe I’ll find the time to do that. Or make the time. I don’t know.